I don’t know.

In my search to be healed from this sickness, I ended up feeling doubly ill.

I have told myself many times that I won’t find true happiness in others; I must first be genuinely happy by myself. It’s difficult when one depends his happiness on other person because when/if that source of happiness goes away, he’ll be left with nothing. Plus, inflicting double injury upon himself.

So, have I learned?

Maybe.

But knowing doesn’t necessarily mean being immune.

I still often find myself wanting some man’s warmth. Why man? I don’t know. Will I trade what relationship I have now with doc (my gf)? No.

So, what do I want?

I don’t know.

Will I know soon?

I don’t know.

Others think that being bisexual is better than being gay. I strongly disagree. I wish I was either heterosexual or homosexual than being this. I am really confused. I don’t know anything about myself anymore.

I’m in for another breakdown.

***

I thought it’d cure me like it did many times before, but I think I am now evolving. Not necessarily towards a better me, but a more certain identity than what I have.

This may entail a bloody train of events. But I hope that whatever and however things may lead to that new thing about me, friends would still be around to accept me as the new me.

Intervention Strategies and Materials Production for Common Language-Related Difficulties of School Learners

Intervention Strategies and Materials Production for Common Language-Related Difficulties of School Learners

A joint project of the College of Arts and Communication – UP Baguio
College of Education – UP Diliman
and Child Find Therapy Center

Date: 28-30 January 2010
Venue: Bulwagang Juan Luna, UP Baguio
Fee: Php 1,850.00 (inclusive of certificate, kits, and CD of lectures)
* 20% discount to parents with special child, group of 5
from the same institution, or early bird

For Inquiries Contact:
Prof. Theresa Manansala
09173021697
or
Prof. Ria Guzman
09164241752
e-mail: myguzman@mail.upb.edu.ph
or call
the College of Arts and Communication, UP Baguio, at
(074) 444-8393

Joni’s “Parisukat” Introduces A Fil-Jap Actor Jeff Tatsuro

Second year nursing student pala sa totoong buhay ang newcomer na si Jeff Tatsuro, introducing sa indie film na “Parisukat” starring Toffee Calma. Sa pelikula, nursing student din ang role niya na isa sa mga pinagbibintangang pumatay sa negosyanteng si German (played by Toffee). Marahil iyon ang dahilan kung bakit naipasa niya ang audition at nakuha ang role na Marcus.

Humble at charming sa personal ang Filipino-Japanese model-turned-actor, traits na nakuha niya diumano sa banyagang ama. First indie film niya ang “Parisukat” at grateful ang binata na nakasama siya sa casting.

“Di ko naman po inakala na ako ‘yung makukuha. Nag-reading lang kami tapos pinabalik sa callback. Akala ko, hanggang callback na lang. Then, yun nga, ako daw yung napili,” ang natutuwang sambit ng guwapong binata.

Conservative din ang family nito sa Pasay City at ngayon pa lang nga ay medyo kinakabahan na siya sa magiging reaksiyon nila sa premiere night sakaling Makita ng mga ito ang maseselang eksena sa kapwa lalaki. Lingid kasi sa pamilya niya na meron siyang frontal nudity sa “Parisukat” at hindi lang isang beses, kundi apat na frontal nudity!

Gay film ang “Parisukat” dahil kuwento ito ng negosyanteng bakla na pinatay ng callboy. Gay serial killings ang isyu dito. Ito ay sinulat at idinerehe ni Jonison Fontanos under Phylum productions.

“Maiintindihan naman po siguro nila ‘yun kasi kailangan po talaga sa eksena. Parang callboy po kasi yung role ni Marcus dito e kaya may ganun,” aniya. “Siya yung tipo ng tao na handang magpagamit para makapagtapos ng pag-aaral. Tsaka, maganda po yung kuwento kaya required talaga na lumabas na makatotohanan yung sex scenes namin dito”, aniya.

Nangahas tuloy naming itanong sa kanya kung meron na ba siyang karanasan sa third sex.

Ito lang ang kanyang naisagot: “Marami po akong friends na gay. Mababait po sila.”

There. Siya, sana ay Pebrero na para mapanood na natin ang ‘pinagmamalaki’ ni Jeff Tatsuro sa “Parihaba”, este “Parisukat” pala.

(Source: http://www.facebook.com/people/Parisukat-Indie/100000532905696?ref=search)

Little Gapanese writes about Parisukat’s Charlon Suerte

Chasing Lady Luck: Parisukat’s Charlon Suerte in Focus

by Cesario Minor, Jr.

Blame colonial overload if up to now, the mestizo look still prevails as our social standard of beauty and with this domination subsists the investment of virtues and class. Sure, we have Nora Aunor, a morena, for a superstar and a host of fair-skinned contravidas who give Philippine cinema and television audiences some hypertension pangs, but the Spanish and American descendants and, of late, the racial hyphenates (Fil-Aussie, Nippo-Brasileiro, ad infinitum) remain entitled to the notions of “mukhang mabait” and “mukhang mayaman.”

Case in point: Charlon Suerte. This eighteen-year-old native of Southern Tagalog is admittedly good-natured, but he easily dismisses the preconception that he is rich. With excellent mestizo genes to thank his Capampangan mother and Lagunense father for, Charlon confesses that economic lack significantly fuels him to try it out in the big city. The escalating tuition fee in the University of the Philippines (where his elder sister studies and where his running-valedictorian brother is gearing for) prompted him, despite high academic standing, to enroll in a computer college with tuition fee afforded via scholarship grant. To cover other expenses, he worked part-time for a multinational food corporation and presently models on the ramp for local clothing companies. Then, the casting call for an independent film beckoned so he auditioned and luckily passed. “It’s a minor role, yes,” muses Parisukat director Jonison Fontanos, “but it’s an excellent springboard. Some of the big names in showbiz started out small,” ends Joni, whose debut film Hugot earned well enough to fund the homoerotic thriller that stars sexy stud Toffee Calma.

Charlon capitalizes on his mestizo features to break through an industry already awash with fair-complexioned wannabes to fifteen minutes of fame, but it will be a disservice to forget that he also banks on his talents in acting and singing and, as naming schemes would have it, “suerte.” He hopes that all of these rolled into the hotstuff that he is will help him finally bid goodbye to his rural hardships that seem drawn straight of One Hundred Years of Solitude’s pages: having to fetch water from the well (that, gratefully, built his muscles) and having to reach his forest home through the country staple kuliglig. He hopes, too, of being able to pursue his dream of putting up a pastry shop where acoustic nights, literary events and film screenings—his artistic inclinations—may be staged on a regular basis. Let us see if our starry-eyed mestizo promdi talent lives up to the fullest meaning of his Hispanic surname.

Parisukat will have its commercial run starting February 17, 2010 in selected theaters nationwide.

Happy New Year!

Nakakamiss na ever ang mag-ispluk ng gay lingo! Nanotice ko lately, ay! mejo siryus ang mga post ng ate niyo.  Kaya itei, balik sa ka-beki-han. Hahaha!

New year na mga baklers, anech ang new year’s resolution niyo? Ako, wit maisip… Wait, alam ko na, diet galore! Kurek, magdidyeta nalang akei para sa Thailand tour namin ng mudra at sistra ko,  at para may karapatan akong magfeeling doon! Haha! Balita ko, maraming nasusutsutan sa Bangkok, parang sa Cubao lang. Hahaha! Ibang putahe itei, mga shufatembang! Excited na akei!

Anu fa va… Alam ko na! Kelangan ko na rin palang i-upgrade ang mga nalalaman kong swardspeak! Sasabihin nanaman sa akin ng mga beki sa UP na old skool ako. Wis na kasi ako kausap ng churva churva. Imvernah. Eh alangan din kasing kausapin ko ang mga estudyante ko ng lenguaheng wis nila magetching, edi lagpak ang ate niyo sa evaluations. Hehe.

At panghuli…

I wanna get laid this year! Yahoo! Ah basta, when I get a little slimmer, gagapang si Galema na parang walang bukas! Bonggang bongga!  Hahaha! Medyo mabawas-bawasan lang ang bilbil, hunting time nanaman ako. Inglesan na ang labanan, teh! Lupasay naman ako when one time last sem, I heard my new students talk about me at the Cafeteria. “Yung prof namin sa Comm 1, inglesero! Chubby na maputi, ang cute cute! Parang ang sarap i-hug!” Hahaha. Ganun pala ha… Sige, hug niyo ako at may tutusok sa inyo! Lolz. Tutusukin ko ng bagay na matigas at pahaba. Tutusukin ko ng ballpen! Hihihi!

Ayan, medyo bastusin na uli ako. Sige pa, bastusin pa niyo ako, haylavet! Hahaha.

When I’m inside the classroom, treat me with your utmost respect. Treat me as your teacher. I expect nothing less. Pero pag nasa labas na ng klase… Halina kayo, magbastusan na tayo! Hahaha! Sabi hg nung mamang bisaya, “Anak ng titing!” Hahaha!

I really hope that all of us have a blast this 2010! It seems that this year has a lot of things waiting for us. So let’s face this year with our loudest growl! GO USTEEEEEE! Nyek. ^_^

Kalurkeeee!

Disgrasya sa 31

Nagdo-DOTA ako sa bahay namin noong mga panahong iyon kahapon. Ewan ko nga kung mga anong oras noon dahil wala akong relo, at basta hindi ko naman kasi concern kung ano talaga ang oras tuwing bakasyon.

Biglang may narinig akong sunod-sunod na putok. Naisip ko, ang aga naman ng taong iyon. Hindi makapaghintay na gumabi man lang. Tapos, mga dalawang minuto na siguro sa tantya ko, aba, lumalakas pa ng lumalakas. Hanggang may sumabog nga na parang yumanig pa sa lupa. Ang una kong inisip, may ratratan sa palengke! Magtago na! Magtago na! Tapos, dahil usisero ako, lumabas ako ng bahay. Aba, nagtatakbuhan na ang mga tao! OMG, ang laki na ng sunog sa may bandang palengke! Natatanaw ko na ang apoy na lumalamon sa mga maliliit na stalls sa may bandang tindahan ng roasted chicken ng nanay ni uncle ko (asawa ng kapatid ng mom ko). Nakakakaba!

Gusto ko pa sanang lumapit pa sa apoy pero ang mga tao ay mas mabilis pa sa hangin kung maki-usi(sa) na may dala-dalang camera, cellphone, etc. Kaya pumunta nalang ako sa grocery ng mga kapatid ko at doon magtatanung-tanong.

Hay, mga 30 minuto rin bago tumigil ang putukan at nagliliparang kwitis na parang fireworks display lang. Buti nalang at walang nadisgrasya.

Ang sabi sa telebisyon kinagabihan, humigit-kumulang 200k pesos ang halaga ng mga prutas at paputok na sumabog noong hapong yun. Nagsisiiyakan na ang mga tindera at tindero ng paputok dahil malaki ang kanilang puhunan, ganun din ang mga nagtitinda ng rtw at prutas-prutas na nasali lang naman sa sunog.

Ang agang new year, ang agang sakuna. Technically, January 31 pa iyon, so sana, maiiwan nalang ang kamalasan sa 2009 at sana’y iba ang kapalaran natin ngayong 2010.

Babaeng umiiyak sa tapat ng bahay namin habang kausap ang isang matandang lalaki (in Ilocano):

Singkwenta mil ang inutang ko sa bumbay para ipamuhunan sa mga paputok na iyon, para sana may panggastos ang mga anak kong nag-aaral sa Maynila. Tres mil pa lang ang benta, nawala na lahat. Paano kaya ako, kami makakabayad ngayon?

Lalaking may sugat sa noo dahil sa putukan kausap ang isa ring lalaking nakabisekleta (in Ilocano):

Sinubukan kong buhatin yung mga panindang prutas ni ate (employer niya) noong pasimula pa lang yung putukan, e nagsitakbuhan na yung mga tao, natumba akong bitbit ang isang kahong ubas. Naapak-apakan na yung prutas, naapak-apakan pa ako.

I wonder what Edward does to Bella when she has her monthly period…

How about you, would you know?

Si Bro at si Santino

Sino pa ngayon ang ayaw mapunta sa langit?

Friendship Over?

This is the only Christmas break that I don’t see my friends here in Pangasinan. They all seem to be marrying. What’s in marriage?

Two of my very good friends married this December. I wasn’t able to attend any. I don’t know, maybe it’s friendship over, or something.

***
I just got the most shocking message from a member of this website called Tagged. This 30-ish guy told me that I was so cute he’d suck me instantly if he was anywhere near Baguio! Hahaha. I didn’t find it offensive. What’s a gay life without some shocks? Hahaha.
***
Honestly, I am bored. Tired of playing Farmville. Tired of doing jobs at Mafia Wars. And I’m on a losing streak at Zynga Poker. So, what do I do?

I know. Shall I travel to get sucked?

full pledged/fledged

Hindi ako tinantanan ng mga dating estudyante ko sa full-pledged at full-fledged na iyan. Nakakatawa na sa ganun kaliit na bagay ay nag-argue sila ng bonggang bongga.

And because I used the term in my “The Author” page, footnoted ako sa kanilang argumento.

Because I like to manipulate words to service my writings, I intentionally use them the way I want to and not minding their limitations according to what is apparently the “standard”.

When I said I wanted to be a full-pledged professor, what I meant was that I wanted to give myself totally to the profession. To be a devout academic. To make the academe my life.

Which, now, I am changing to this latter term because I realized that I want a less toxic life: when I say I want to be a full-fledged professor, I mean to be an accomplished academic having multiple doctorate degrees and stuff. And be rich, so that I can have an early retirement to live a serene life of travel, relaxation and… sex? Hahaha.

I am starting to realize that (I think) I will reach a point in my life when all want to do is watch movies in my comfortable room, with nurses and housemaids attending to my needs, traveling the world and enjoying what little remains of my time on earth.

I don’t think I want to be a teacher forever. Yes, I’d want to attend conferences or offer my services to small schools as consultant in my golden years but I plan to live my life with enjoyment and without having the idea of “WORK” pestering my peacefulness.