Nothing seems fun anymore. I don’t know if it’s just me or the world just suddenly became boring. Nothing ever hardly excites me anymore. Even the predicted end of the world didn’t come. Ano ba yan.
My depression is worsening. I have a wide range of depressing things in my life but I can’t pinpoint which actually urges me to want to kill myself. Is it because after losing 20 kilos, my weight loss suddenly stopped? Is it because each time I see cute guys, I think I can never get them for myself? Is it because it is so difficult to live a bisexual life that it’s always a choice between being happy or hurting the person you most love? Or is it because the most important woman in my life is turning 75 and the thought of losing her makes up my biggest fear? I don’t know. Maybe there are other more. These are just the things that first came to mind. I am also aware that what I am doing is dangerous– I am exposing my subconscious to everybody. But who cares. I am going to die soon anyway. Or at least, I feel that way. If I offer myself to be used by everybody who wants to, will there be anybody to volunteer? Will they even notice? This thought just came to mind after watching porn this afternoon (which was all I did all afternoon, by the way). I know, I am twisted. I told you, everything about me is sick. Sickening. Sickly. Psyched. Psycho. In Sync. Sung. Sorry?
Wait, I’ll write the words that come to mind first. Here are they (and I will try to not think about it as I type this part, and be as honest as I can):
Ballroom, masturbation, rape, letters, sun, pain, books, sound, stomach, stomata, stench, scrabble, words, poems, stories, U.P., noise, study.
There. I don’t know what unifying factor these things in mind have. What I know is that I am just keeping on typing until I get tired. No choosing of what words to come out. I just type. I want to do Zumba now but I can’t find Zumba Live. Anyway…
What do I do now? I am not tired but I think I am out of words. Suddenly, I don’t have anything to say anymore. Maybe I’ll just tell you what things are taking place here as I type this entry. My mom is looking for her Crestor. I don’t know, I think it’s a tablet or something. My sister and her boyfriend are noisy inside my room, they sometimes make me sick. They are sick. Sick like me, maybe. They make me want to throw up. My brother is going to sleep at my cousin’s room next door. It’s hot in here now in our living room but good thing mosquitoes are not bugging me. Or they are trying but I wore my jogging pants so they can’t penetrate.
What else? Wow, for a while there, I forgot how bored I am with life and how I so want to die. But I wish there was something brilliant to write. I am just blabbering here like an idiot who has no one to talk to. Do I want somebody to talk to? Maybe not. Sense don’t come often. I get bored easily with stupid stuff. Or people. Specially people.
I hope, after I take a bath something in me and my mind will change. I hope I get better. I want to write a short story but no germ is germinating right now. Blah blah blah. I am far from tired. But I still want to write. What else can I write? Buti na lang nandiyan ang pagsusulat. Or else, I must have committed suicide earlier. Am I really capable of suicide? I don’t know. I have not tried before. It will only cause great shame if I attempted to die but fail. And it will only be costly to revive me. Hay.
I just also noticed, why is it that as I begin to write this entry, it is in English? i am not editing this entry and I am also not regulating what’s coming out of my mind. The language is English by default. Inglesan na ba ang labanan talaga? I do not know. I am becoming a school principal this coming school year. Are these the ramblings I want my students to find out about me? That I am not mentally stable? That I have these crazy tendencies? That I am, in fact, crazy? And that I am sexually deviant? Hahaha! I don’t know. To each his own weirdness. He who doesn’t have madness in him cast the first stone. And after, I will fire the first gunshot. Boom! Dead ka.
This is becoming boring. Can I hold it longer? Umm, let’s see… What am I going to do next? Maybe take a bath. I am really bored now. So, this free writing stops here. If you read it until here, wow, congratulations. And thank you for putting up with this insanity. Yes, I am crazy. I repeat, I am crazy.
Bye guys.
I am still thinking about it now… If I am going to commit suicide soon, meron kayang gustong gumamit muna sa akin?
Let’s do something different.
Different??? Is this a seduction page now?